When my son was just a few weeks old, I dropped my phone on his head. I. DROPPED. MY. PHONE. ON. HIS. HEAD. I knew immediately that the coveted Mom of the Year title was further from reach. Luckily, we all recovered from it rather quickly and I forgot about it...until today when I was reminded of this episode, because a mom in an online community I am in posted about dropping her phone on her baby's head. SHE. DROPPED. HER. PHONE. ON. HER. BABY'S. HEAD. TOO!
The most alarming part of this wasn't that she or I did this careless, pretty stupid thing, but rather that an incredible number of OTHER moms who responded saying that they had done the exact same thing. Fortunately, all of the babies seem to have survived the falling iPhone epidemic.
Scroll down to learn how to join me in a challenge to put down your phone and take back your control.
But this interaction brought me back to something I have been struggling with in general...screen time. Between computers and televisions, we all get tons of time in front of bright lights, moving pictures, and virtual realities. However, the last seven years of (insane) growth for smartphones has only been matched by our astounding reliance on them. You sit on the subway...smartphones. In the elevator...smartphones. In the bathroom...smartphones. We have taken any cracks of free time, where our minds could wander and think and be creative and present, and we have filled them with candy crush and facebook stalking and photo organizing and food trackers. It has become a constant effort to take your attention AWAY from the phone. With idle hands and a searching gaze longing for something to hold and engage with at all times. It has become a security blanket for some, a connection to the world for others, a critical and constant business tool for others still. It is an addiction - whether realized or not - for many of us.
Screen time can come at the expense of us being fully present and emotionally plugged in. It tires our eyes, but wires our brains causing us to lose vital sleep (which is even more vital when you are only getting a few hours!). It can also undermine our sense of confidence replacing gut instincts with crowd-sourced information.
And new moms are confronted with excess screen time and addictive smartphone tendencies like no other. This happens for a lot of reasons...
1. YOU ARE OFTEN ALONE. (Grown-up wise at least). Having a tiny human with a brand new immune system and an unpredictable schedule means that you aren't usually super social for the first few weeks or months. Inviting people over at the drop of a hat, grabbing a light jacket and heading out for a trip to the farmer's market, or impromptu plans for a drink with the girls doesn't happen for a while. (At least not for most of us. If it did for you...TELL US YOUR SECRETSSSSSSSSSSS!) If this is your reality and you are alone in your four walls with your tiny new person, the phone is there ready to give you a little normalcy by connecting you to your friends and the news and the world outside.
2. YOU ARE UNSURE. A lot. Hey, I get it, I was so there. This is all brand new and this kid doesn't come with instructions - besides handle with care and put a sheet over the white couch. Ha. But seriously, this stuff is so hard. And one of the best parts of being a mom in 2015 is that we have so many resources by way of blogs, articles, chat rooms, facebook groups, and videos. So, we head there often to assuage our fears and bolster our confidence. In fact, according to a survey by Huggies, approximately 78% of new and expectant moms spend at least two hours a day researching baby-related topics. TWO HOURS a day. I will save the confidence concept for a future post, but for now, let me tell you that you are so much smarter and more capable than you have been led to believe. So maybe use some of that two hours for a nap?
3. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY SITTING. If you are breastfeeding, you are the only one who feeds your baby for a while, so you are sitting and often sitting alone. If you are bottle feeding, you may not sit as often or as much, but you are still sitting. A lot. Now, don't worry too much because in a matter of months you will never sit again. Hello crawling, walking, climbing and electrical outlets. But for now, you are sitting...and alone...and unsure. "Oh! Hey phone! what's up?" Breastfeeding can be totally intoxicating and magical and you (hopefully) will have moments where all you can do is marvel at what you are engaged in with this baby in this moment. But you'll have other nursing sessions where all you want to do is rock back and forth and see if your virtual chickens are still alive. I get it.
4. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TWO HANDS AGAIN. You're going to be holding, swaying, snapping, wiping, jiggling, latching, unlatching, burping, picking up and putting down 24/7 at first. So, you don't have two hands to go to the bathroom or make a cup of tea, let alone type on your computer. But our phones can fit in our one hand or back pocket and never have to leave our side. We can type with one hand. Hell, one finger if we have to. And now with accurate voice to text (even with baby noise in the background!) we don't have to type at all. Phone scores another point!
5. YOU WANT TO FEEL IN CONTROL. Your life is different. So super different. And even if it is awesome, glorious and everything you ever hoped for (which is what I wish for each of you), it is different. And difference or change often makes us feel out of control -- even when it is good change. So, your phone with its efficiency apps and super tech powers makes you feel more in control the closer it is and the more you use it to make to-do lists or schedule a grocery delivery. We bank on small things like this when the bigger things (sleep, food, sex, body, roles) are so in flux.
6. YOUR BRAIN IS TIRED. To be honest, I'm not sure how I have managed to write this much. I'm tired. Like serious Thursday night tired. So, I know all the fresh, brand new mommas must be REALLY tired. And when we are tired, phones are easy escapes. Just like it is easier to grab a cookie or make some pasta than to open the fridge for the apples or roast a chicken, it is also easier to scroll through facebook, hit up instagram, or breeze through <insert favorite time sucking website> than to read a book or sketch ideas or think of new businesses or have meaningful conversations. Those things take a level of mental engagement that is usually incompatible with extreme fatigue.
So for all these reasons - as new moms -
we turn to our smartphones. All the time.
Our phone can fill huge, huge voids for us emotionally, psychologically, and physically, which can be really fantastic. And many people will read all this and reflect and be totally ok with it. And I think that is great, because phones serve a lot of purposes and we all have to do what works for us to get through the day -- to feel connected, capable, confident. But what I am concerned about is that for others, like me, we didn't or don't realize this is happening. And all of the sudden, you find yourself checking in constantly right before bed, as soon as you wake up, throughout the day, on your commute, or just before yoga. Granted I don't remember much of my life pre-baby all that well, but I can say with near certainty that post baby, I am so much more hooked into my smartphone than I ever was before.
And honestly, I am tired of it.
If any of this resonated, whether you are a new parent or a seasoned veteran, consider joining me in this upcoming week-long challenge called Bored and Brilliant. It starts February 2nd and is intended to help push our creativity and minimize our unwitting dependence. To get plugged into the challenge and unplugged from your phone...
FIRST:
Listen to this short podcast from New Tech City.
THEN:
Sign up at this link.
I don't plan to judge the mom at the playground on her smart phone, because whether The Bachelor or Solitaire, Yoga or Wine, we all need and deserve some indulgences in our life. I also don't plan to go back to 2006 for a flip phone or disable my facebook account, because technology can be amazing. After all, it is how I am connected to each of you right now and I am so grateful for that! But I do hope to change my default. I hope to reduce the wasted time, the anxious thoughts, the double guessing, and the social desperation. I hope to make room for more creativity, more mindfulness, more intimacy, and more breath. And most of all, I hope to avoid dropping my phone on the head of baby number two.
Join me?
Love + Light,
Ali